Finally! I have finally gotten that supposed "burst" of energy I was to get in my second trimester....gee thanks. I get it for a a few weeks and then whammy! Third trimester hits, I am naively hoping this means it will be smooth sailing here on out? LOL, I doubt that! Most mom's I have spoken with have said that the third trimester is very challenging. We will see! But I am grateful for this increase in energy as I am able to get so much work done on both my blog and my Etsy shop. I have been crafting away, creating new weekly blog posts and even started organizing the bugs room (well corner of our office). Here are some pictures of what I have been up to:

Set up a comfy rocking chair by the bugs crib for late night breastfeeding sessions and cuddles. Isn't that the raddest granny blanket you ever did see? Love the colors and it is super soft

I have been going for lots of nature walks/hikes with my Aunt lately, taking pictures as we go

And I have created a new line of stuffies for the SPRING! I call them "Foxy Ladies" and I think they are pretty darn cute, don't you?

Other then that I still have a flying ninja in my belly and the dreaded pregnancy leg cramps have started up. Time for some magnesium! Ryan is currently away in Spain and I miss him something fierce, but every time the bug kicks I am reminded I'm not alone and feel comforted.

First off I just want to say a very big and heartfelt thank you to everyone who reads this weekly post and shares their thoughts, love, advice and experience with me. I love reading your comments; they really do mean the world to me! I am now into my 22 week of pregnancy, or as some like to say just entering my sixth month. I am definitely feeling a lot more movement these days. Kicks and nudges but often it is just a sense of a whirling ball of energy, a presence right below my navel that I am constantly aware of. I can now clearly tell when the bug is awake or asleep, just by a sense of energy in my belly. A new favorite game the bug likes to play is the "I’m hungry!" game. If I sleep in and am late to eating my breakfast its not just my tummy that is ravenous, the bug kicks furiously until I eat! Then a nice food induced coma sets in and all is quiet again.

I am having a hard time with moods, frankly I have been since the beginning. I just didn’t talk about it much. But I made a promise do a dear friend recently and she made me realize that my silence was serving no purpose other than to make me and others around me unhappy. So you know what? The prego blues happens, it sucks, and it is real but I am learning it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with me. Or that I need to be "fixed" or get my head checked. I have enlisted the help of some professionals recently and am learning what is considered normal during pregnancy, versus what is a warning sign. I am a prime candidate for post partum depression as I have dealt with depression/anxiety since I was 15 years old. My mother, grandmother and one of my aunts also suffer from mental disorders ranging from OCD to depression to bi-polar disorder, so needless to say I can worry over my "blue" thoughts sometimes. And there has been a lot of that these past 22 weeks: feelings of loneliness, depression, and overwhelming anxiety that are natural to a hormonally charged up pregnant woman can seem VERY scary to a person with my history. So if you are like me just know this: you are not alone! Yes, it is normal to have these swings, ups and downs, and teary days of crying for no reason. HORMONES ARE POWERFUL and it is all part of the process of prepping both your body and mind for baby. Talk to someone, your midwife, a counselor, a friend and update the REGUALRY! Don't hide out and be embarrassed that you aren’t always "glowing" and earth mamma like. That is just stupid. Be real. Breathe. Relax. Do yoga. And hug your friends. Lots. Hug them long and hard and tell them you love them. Make BFF dates. Spend time with the women in your family that bring you peace, limit time with those that do not.  Go for long walks and breathe in plenty of fresh air. And once again, BREATHE!

Other than that though I can honestly say this baby has been so good to me so far that I at times I don’t even feel pregnant. Then I will get a kick, or my feet will swell up suddenly after a long day of shopping and I will think to myself, oh yah! You are growing a baby in there! As my friend Chels told me yesterday over a d-lish curry lunch "Dude it’s like the ultimate craft project! You are crafting a human being!" And you know what? She is right, and that makes me feel a lot less guilty at neglecting my blog and Etsy shop....I am crafting every minute of every day! LOL

Here is an update on the bug and I as we begin our 21 week together. Went for my first ultrasound last Friday and I was soooooooo excited I thought I would burst! It was pretty wild to see the bug actually squirming away inside me, well squirming is an understatement. The kid was literally bouncing off the walls! The technician was getting frustrated as it was really hard for her to get the images and measurements she needed, it took over an hour! But every once in a while Ryan and I would be rewarded with a clear hand waving, or a cute side profile, but as soon as we saw it, it was gone again in a blur of movement. Ryan swears he saw some jazz hands in there, lol. We were happy to hear that everything looks normal and healthy and the bug is growing at a healthy rate.

Unfortunately though my placenta is not in the best position. Now here is where it gets confusing...the tech said I had major placenta previa in one sentence but in the next she was saying low lying placenta. What this means is my placenta has attached it self on top of or low down/near too my cervix. This can complicate matters as it would be in the way of the baby coming out and could cause blood loss if a vaginal birth was attempted. It gets further confusing because she also alternated between saying the placenta was "attached" to my cervix and was "touching" my cervix, but that either way I would "need a c-section" which is not necessarily true! As far as I can tell from the research I have done one is considered more serious then the other, but in the majority of all cases the placenta will move up as the uterus grows and expands. The main difference being that if it is just touching the edge of my cervix then it doesn't have to move as far in order to be deemed a safe distance. This is the best simple definition I have seen online. As much as it upsets me and makes me anxious I am trying to keep it calm and cool until I hear form my midwife as really the tech shouldn't be giving me medical advice to begin with! So positive thoughts people! Cross all your fingers, toes and your eyes too!

Despite the joy of seeing the bug finally (and wowza really feeling it squirm around, although still too subtle for Ryan too feel) I am a grumpy bear these days. Watch out! Without copious amounts of chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream, I bite!

I have been gettin lots of headaches, having a hard time sleeping, and my anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF! Hearing about my placenta really didn't help. And my energy levels, dear God I think I have a vampire inside me sucking me dry! I got a brief window of the second trimester return of energy and "glow" and that quickly passed leaving only tired, pale, dark eyed, grumpy ol me! Humph! I havent had the energy to even sit at my craft table so my Etsy shop is sitting neglected and it makes me sad.

Well folks, I made it to the halfway mark! The bug and I have now been together for 20 weeks and two days, and guess what!? I finally felt a squirmy squirm! Actually it was more like a giant WHOOSH and then some bubbles popping. The cute thing was I started feeling movement the night that Ryan was due hoe from his business trip to Chicago, its like the bug knew Daddy was coming home any minute.  In other news have started doing some "window shopping" with Ryan to get an idea as to what sort of stuff we would like to have for the bug. Here are some of our current fave finds

The Beco carrier. I love the patterns and how light weight it is. Although I would love it more if they could face out when they are older too.

Ryan really likes the Lumi Love Panda Nightlight

I am currently looking into Moses baskets for the newbie days, to have the bug with us in our room. I am not a fan of co-sleeping personally, but I do understand the need to have the child near by especially in the early days of learning to breastfeed. I like that this can be right beside our bed, but the basket can also be lifted off the stand and carried from room to room as needed.

J'adore!!!! I love the Tripp Trapp Stokke high chair! It pulls right up to the table so baby can eat with the family, has a foot rest for fidgety feet, and can grow with the child from toddler years until they are 10+!

Last but not least I am pretty impressed with the First Years Wave Stroller. I was originally leaning towards the Bugaboo Bee, but this is half the price and wait until you see what the handle bar does!!!!! So cool! Sadly it is not available in Canada but Ryan and i are considering a mini road trip down to the states to buy one

Dear bug,

Are you still in there? Because mamma just feels kinda fat. You have been so good to me this whole pregnancy, it's like your not even there. Well...aside from the insomnia, and the heartburn, oh yah and the headaches. Ok and also the crying fits and REALY sore boobs. But seriously, are you there bug? It's me mamma. You and I are nearing our 20th week together and Id really like to feel you move. Or hiccup. Or kick. Anything, just tell me you are there.

See I am a wee bit paranoid. Sometimes I ask your poppa "Oh my god, maybe I am not pregnant. Maybe I am just getting fat." I stare at myself in the mirror and have to admit ok, that is a prego belly. No wieght gain anywhere else, just boobs and belly. SO WHERE ARE YOU BUG?

The other day I think I felt a poke. Like an elbow? Your big fat nose from the Newitt side? (blame your grandfather) Or it could have been gas from the massive slice of apple pie with ice cream I had just finished demolishing too.

So I am just sayin, anytime you wanna jab at me go right ahead. I wont get mad. I wont ground you. Kick away dear little one.

PS: can we get over this whole aversion to chicken thing already? It's getting ridiculous and your Dad misses cooking it. K thanx bye

Time for a weekly update on me and the little bug growing in my belly. Week 19 has been pretty good to me so far aside from some fatigue and a suddenly MUCH larger appetite. I have been waking up at 2 or 3 am STARVING so there is now a box of crackers and glass of water by the bed, otherwise I cant sleep my tummy grumbles so hard. I am sure with this sudden surge in appetite will come quite the growth spurt, and so I am trying to be cautious and make healthy food choices. But man I tell yah, when you are starving and all there is around is a batch of cookies fresh out of the oven WATCH OUT! They will be gone in no time! Mental note: tell the hubby to stop baking cookies as midnight snacks. LOL, thank god for pre-natal vitamins.

Looking back over this pregnancy so far, it has been an interesting ride. There of course have been times of barfyness, insomnia and extreme fatigue, but all in all it has been pretty manageable. There are some funny/weird side effects too:

• I will often forget words, or the names of things resulting in sentences such as "Can you pass me that thingy?" or "I wonder what will happen to whats her name...you know the brunette in the next episode?" That last one was in response to my favorite TV show How I Met Your Mother, for like a week I couldn't remember Robyn's name
• smells, my god the smells. Most people know a woman's sense of smell increases during pregnancy but you have no idea by how much! I became a freaking bloodhound! I could solve crimes! I could literally smell Ryan walking into a room during my first trimester and couldn't open the fridge door because I was literally bowled over by the intense combination of smells.
  
• Animals know you are pregnant. Somehow they just sense it, both my cats curl up around my tummy and my Aunts dog licks my belly when she sees me.
• You will turn into a Gumby doll. With pregnancy comes a massive surge in hormones one of them being relaxin. As you tell from its time it relaxes things, mainly your joints and ligaments. In the first three months I found myself waking up in the strangest positions, contorted into a pretzel. My arms would often be flung so far over my head that it would hurt to move it back to normal.
• you may not be menstruating anymore but for some there is still cramping. I could literally feel my uterus growing and changing shape in the first trimester. CREEPY! I still get weird cramps from time to time, but sadly it is morphing more into back pain. oi vey!

In other news we put the crib together yesterday so we could see how big it was and how much room it left for other furniture. Baby Kitty quickly decided it was now his bed and hoped in and made himself at home. Pictures of this adorableness will follow shortly

Growing up I didnt always have the most steadfast representation of "mother-love", but now that I am older and wiser I know it was there. Dysfunctional yes, but it was there. There is a lot of glorification of mother-love, over expectations and blame. The simple fact is that the very act of carrying a small, helpless, dependable human being inside of you for 9 and half months is the very definition of love. pure, selfless, innocent love. No matter how the rest turns out, we were all rocked to sleep in our mothers bellies.

A pregnant woman must give up a lot during this time. Say goodbye to that nightly glass (or two, or three...) of your favorite pino grigio. Farewell to your sashimi binges at that local Japanese hot spot. Sayonara to any prescription medication you were taking, no matter how much it helped. Ta Ta to late nights dancing with the girls and eating late night pizza on Granville street at 3am. Have a headache? Well forget about the advil and only take that regular strength tylenol if a solid nap doesnt kick it. And you might as well pack up all thse skinny jeans, tube tops, mini skirts and high heels as they will only taunt you from your closest. Not that I couldnt wear them if i didnt want to but lets be honest...4 inch heels and a tube top do not appeal to me right now in the slightest. Frankly none of the above things do. I willingly gave them all up. Why?

For love. For the love of a tiny unknown creature growing in my womb that I have never even met but I know who will be my everything. Now if that isnt love, I don't know what is?

This Saturday morning I got out of bed, put on my cozy slippers and walked out into the living room...to see that it had SNOWED! It was the morning of the first day of my second trimester and all seemed perfect in the world. I was snug and warm in my PJ's, my kitties were curled up on a blankie on the couch, and the whole world was quite, still and white.

That is when I noticed that Ryan wasn't home. After looking around the house for him I returned to the living room to see him walk through the door with a bouquet of flowers, a card, and a yummy Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks! "Happy first trimester sweetie!!" he said. I am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

So far this trimester is off to a fairly good start. My energy level is still low, but much better then it was before and food tastes normal again! I can pretty well eat anything now! HOORAY!!!!!! But I am not sleeping well, and my moods are pretty erratic. To be expected I guess as I have a lot on my mind, but I also have a history of "the blues" and a mother who got really bad post-partum depression with both children. At times it is hard for me to know what is "normal" pregnancy swings and what I should be wary of.

My midwife has referred me to a reproductive psychologist as she feels she will better be able to help me tell the difference between "normal" and "warning signs". Not that I am going crazy or anything, more that I just want to do all I can to be healthy in body and mind for this child. Also, lets face it, when you didn't have a healthy relationship with your own mother, it is pretty wild to think of yourself as becoming a mother. Well, at least it is for me. So I am going to give this head doc a try!

Those of you who have experienced the blues during pregnancy what helped you? What worked? What didn't? Do share. I don't feel that women talk about this side of pregnancy enough! Lets all help each other

Sleep. I thought I had 7 more months to enjoy all the sleep I could get? And boy do I even want it. But no. No sleep for you Mz. Kami. No, instead you shall lie awake until 3am and fall asleep only to wake up every hour on the hour. GAHHHHHK! So, I am a lil cranky today. I really really realllllllly hope that tonight I sleep. SOLID.

In other news my belly has popped, and all pants are now being held up by elastic bands looped through buttonholes and around buttons. Yes, I have tried the Bella Band but seriously? How the hell do you get that thing to work , let along feel comfy? Mine just keeps riding up on me and makes me feel constricted.

Food! Glorious food! Getting better with most foods and less gagy, THANK GOD! I still can't do chicken (petting zoo of death stench!) but ironically I am ok with beef. The other day I had a craving for Sloppy Joes, French Fries and Coleslaw....and my awesome hubby made me exactly that for dinner. Sloppy Joe's from scratch! No canned crap for us, and oh my goodness it was DIVINE!

The bug is now 10 weeks and 2 days and apparently 1.5 inches long. I read that during the 10th week the fetus will develop 25, 000 neurons per MINUTE! PER MINUTE! Ryan and I think we have probably killed that many brain cells in one night of drinking....

Last but not least tomorrow is our first Midwife appointment, and I am so excited! Just makes everything seems so much more real! I plan on having a natural birth, with a midwife, in the hospital. I am just full of questions for her tomorrow, I hope she is ready for me an the bug!

Howdy folks, and welcome to the second post in this new weekly blog theme. Motherhood. Ooooooph. That is a doozy of a word fraught with different meanings for different people. Some good, some bad, and some in the middle. Motherhood for me has always been this weird murky grey area that I have avoided dealing with. I have always loved children, but never thought I would have my own...until now.

Me. A mother. The thought still sends me spinning and here I am just over 9 weeks along now and nearing my first midwife appointment. It's like a big scary job interview, with myself, and I have no idea what to expect. But then again, no one does. It's not like God hands you an instruction manual to study from the minute that test says positive.

But here I am, preparing and dreaming and taking my vitamins, drinking my water, and doing a whole hell of a lot of thinking.

See I don't have a positive relationship with my mom, in fact I haven't talked to her in 5 years. To keep a long and personal story short I lived in foster care for a number of years and then was out in the world on my own at 18. The word "mother" for me brings up a whole bunch of issues....and it is hard for me to identify as one when my thoughts are so jumbled.

That doesn't mean I am not excited, not happy, not rubbing my belly and anxiously looking for my belly to show more! Its been a wild and exciting ride so far and I am looking forward to the next 7 months. But I am also grateful I have 9 months to get used to the idea of being a "mom".

Looks like I have lots of thinking and art journaling to do! In other news wow, so food and me don't get along! I am perpetually hungry and hate all food except for bread pretty much. Maybe my belly isnt so much baby belly as it is a bread belly? lol! I can't stand meat right now, it makes me gag. I tried eating re-heated chickin leftovers the other day....to me it smelled like a petting zoo of death. Seriously. AND I LOVE MEAT!